This is a topic I feel very comfortable with. In fact, it feels like a broken-in, wool sweater that I zip up on cold, wintery days. It's like a cocoon. It makes me feel safe and powerful.
I am sick. I know this. I cannot change this fact.
I know that I will never be able to climb Mount Kilimanjaro, dive into the depths of the Mediterranean Sea, or live amongst the nomads of the Kalahari Desert.
Then again, I can never eat a Big Mac, a triple Whopper with cheese, or some sort of cow-product that has been slathered with chili, onion rings, jalapenos, cheddar cheese, or bacon.
I accept that these things will never be a part of my life. But it will never stop me from dreaming that maybe, in some far and distant future, they might be.
I get very frustrated at the fact that I try and try to change the way I eat and take vitamins and minerals to make me healthy but sometimes, it just doesn't matter. At the end of the day, my body seems to make all of my decisions for me. So that leaves me with absolutely no power and no control.
And people wonder why I'm angry, bitter, and pessimistic all the time??
I've had a bad two weeks, hence this post. I apologize if it is self-serving. Sometimes I just need to let off some steam as many people do and this is how I'm doing it. For those of you out there that feel this way because of an auto-immune disease that you cannot control, I feel every ounce of your pain. It sucks that you can't do whatever you want, when you want, and how you want. And as much as we'd like to think that sometimes we are in control, sometimes we just aren't.
I wish everyone out there good health and a better week than I've had.
In the words of Pink,
Everyday I fight a war against the mirror
I can't take the person staring back at me
I'm a hazard to myself
Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
It's bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else
Oh yes. Anger. I know all about this one as well. I can understand why you hold on to your anger.. if you feel you can't control your body, well you can control the one feeling in which you are comfortable with, anger. I am on Day 3 of continuous stomach pain and discomfort. Sometimes I think how much I would like a hamburger, fries, soda, and some ice cream cake... But then I remember how that makes me feel... Sometimes I think its worth it to go through the pain or convince myself that this time it wont cause me any problems... but 3 days later I am reminded why it is not. And then I am grateful that my body rejects things that aren't healthy for me. Those foods don't really do me any good, or anyone for that matter.... And would you really climb Mount Kilimanjaro?
ReplyDeleteI think, if you don't mind me saying.. (If you do, don't read on) That maybe your anger is controlling you. I am not saying by any means that I don't get mad or upset ever now and again, but for me that shouldn't be the way I would describe myself or others see me. This may have a lot to do with your past friendships...? Eventually you don't want to be around the Debbie Downers, the people who are always complaining, always sad, angry, irritable... I know I don't. I want to be around the positive people who motivate me to do good things. But this is just my point of view.
Sending positive vibes your way.
-Rita
Hi Rita,
DeleteI apologize for not replying right away. Please do not think you offended or upset me. In fact, I really appreciate your words.
I don't know what it is but I seem to always need to be angry or bitter at someone or something. So yes, you may have a point. My anger might be controlling me. And that in turn affects my stomach which in turn affects my health and the vicious cycle continues.
Maybe what I need is to take up meditation.
As for Mount Kilimanjaro, no, I think I'll leave that to the experts! Besides, am I supposed to poop on the side of the mountain??